JUNE BUG

This post is a VENTING post. Read it at your own risk. No judgment allowed :)

Hola... I will have pictures up soon of Texas, My Puppy, and this summer so far.

We didn't make it to the zoo in May but we are for sure going this month. It is going to be so hott but oh well. No more excuses. We should be going camping this month. That will be fun. Other than that, this month may be a bugger. I am having a surgical procedure done to remove some aggressive moderate-severe precancerous cells. I am not too excited. It is nothing big but I am worried about it. This procedure should remove them all but if not my ability to have more kids may be jeopardized. That's the part that upsets me. Plus, I can't afford to miss work. I know my health should be numero uno along with Jax, but lack of money is such a stress for me. That leads to another bugger of this month. I may have to move back in with my parents. No Bueno! I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? I have been doing so good on my own and I have a great new job but I need to pay my car off because I owe more than its worth. Rent is priority over my car though so now I am SOL. Plus, it is hard having two families living under one roof. I don't want to move back. I love living in Ephraim. Gunnison drives me nuts. We don't have the right last name in that town so we are looked down upon by pretty much everyone. I guess I just like being in my own area with new people. I am getting to know the people up here and I like them a lot. I don't want all of my furniture and cute decor to sit in a storage unit for the mice to eat at. GRR! As you can tell, I am upset lately. I was doing really good but I have the BLUES. I don't like it. Stress makes it hard for me to focus on my relationships with my son, my boyfriend, my family, and my friends. I just have a lot on my mind and don't know what to do with it all. I don't like asking people for help or sitting and crying to them because everyone has their own issues. I don't like bugging them or adding to their stresses. But then it all boils up inside and then I tend to break down. This is my new way of venting or letting it out. Maybe I should start a journal too.



Life was starting to go my way. I was almost done with my AS, i had a happy son, my car was running well, i was on time with rent and car payments, i had a cute apartment, i was getting along great with my boyfriend and my family and my friends, i was losing weight, and my stress level was low. Then, these dang precancerous cells came along and everything has gone down hill. I wasn't working as often, bills started getting behind, i started getting cranky, I had to withdrawal from a class for medical reasons, because of not working and lack of my money, my stress began to rise. My relationships started to struggle. The worst-case-scenario thoughts started bubbling and the depression started. What if I can't have more kids, what if it becomes cancer, what if???? I put on my game face and just hope something goes my way each day. Whether its I get to work on time, I play soccer with Jax, or I simply get to bed before midnight. I don't watch what I eat as well because I go to my "comfort food". I tell myself "oh i deserve a pepsi or cookie". There is always some reason that seems to justify my craving.